I came home the other day and found my teenage son looking at the computer. At first I didn’t notice what he was doing, but something caught my eye and I went back to check…. I asked him, “What are you doing?” He looked at me with that expression kids get when they’ve been caught doing something they shouldn’t. You may be thinking…”Uh Oh! She caught him.” But that’s not it. He was looking at the ARMY’s website…checking to see how to enlist and what jobs are available for a high school graduate.
The swirl of emotions that rushed through me left me out of breath. I couldn’t stop the tears that came time and time again in spite of his assurances that he would never just show up and tell us he’d enlisted. (But truthfully, I’m not so sure that’s something he can promise.) Everything that I am screamed “NO!” inside my head.
When my son was born he had a difficult birth and almost died. During those days that we spent in the neonatal unit praying for his healing, I relinquished him back to God to do with as He saw fit….or at least I thought I had. In every area of his life I tried my best to let God lead my son wherever and however He desires.
But as I looked up into my son’s brown eyes, now within inches of my own, my heart was gripped with fear. This was the one scenario I hadn’t imagined… This was the one area that my heart would never let me go. I never once considered the possibility that I would have to watch him walk away from me in a military uniform…not knowing when I’d see him again - or IF I would see him again. Even though I thought my prayer all those years ago was one of complete submission to God, standing here next to my 6′1″ little boy - who is now every inch a man - I realize that it wasn’t. My submission to God’s plan still had limitations and I had to admit that my willingness to allow God to lead was contingent on God leading to a place that I agreed upon.
I even said to him now, in a choked whisper, “I already heard the words, ‘He might not live.’ A mama ought not have to hear those words about her child more than once in her life.” But my son is so patriotic and so brave that he can’t imagine not going if he is needed. I counseled him that it was a noble choice, but one best left until after college so that he would enter the service as an officer….to set the groundwork for a better career. But he saw through me immediately. If he takes 4 years to go off to college, who knows what might happen to change the world….or at least to change his mind in that amount of time?
I’ve realized in the days since that moment that the brave ones aren’t only the ones in uniforms. Their families must also be brave. To wallow in my fear for my son would diminish his bravery and his love for his country. If I love him then I must support his choice and be just as brave as he is. This is a choice. It does not come easily.
A wise man from our church tells all the teenage boys, “Life is about choices and consequences. Some consequences are good and some are bad…but life is about choices and consequences.” So this is my choice. My heart is hard-wired to protect my child and so it screams, “Don’t do this!” But if he does…and this choice hasn’t yet been made…but if he does, then my choice will be to try to match my bravery to his. That is my choice.
….updates to come….
